Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum was randomly stumbled upon by Mack (OtterVomit). VISMG was posting on a Vanilla Ice message board for his own amusement. OtterVomit, myself and others thought he was hilarious. OtterVomit collected his posts and we put them on our website. OtterVomit got in touch with VISMG and he turned out to be Shoebox, who had a group called Worm Quartet. VISMG posted on Rydas.Com, The Asylum and OtterVomit’s sister site to The Asylum; Bible-Tales. His “group” even had a release on Rydas Records (although he was the only non-rap act).

Worm Quartet is a popular comedy group, getting major play on the Dr. Demento show and being described to me as a “Rochester legend” by an act in the area. As you can see from his posts, it isn’t just his music that is funny. If you have a decent sense of humor and some time on your hands, you should enjoy reading his posts. It is also a peak into the origins of The Asylum. Keep in mind that VISMG is a vulgar bastard, if you are easily offended you might want to leave. The posts are in semi-chronological order, the posts are not comprehensive (all but one of the Rydas.Com posts are no more) and the conversations are one sided, however I hope you find them as funny as we have.


In Page Links (use back to top link to return here):
Rydas.Com
The Asylum
Bible-Tales

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum

Anonymous
I want to bite Vanilla Ice.


Anonymous
Vanilla Ice stole all of my gum. I want to eat his puppy. Sometimes my toothbrush talks to me. Raisins! Raisins!!!


Anonymous
My radio station had a copy of Mind Blowin’. I broke it against the wall. Vanilla Ice is yuppie-spawned gangsta-wannabe scum. But of course, that’s just my opinion. I probably wouldn’t be so harsh if he hadn’t stolen all my gum!! THE VANILLA ICE STORY: Vanilla Ice used to be a waitress, then he was a goldfish vendor, then he was a bag of peanut shells, and now he’s a big scary mutant poodle with a dead weasal in his mouth sitting on a lima bean. THE END


Anonymous
The rumor I heard is that he’s got a new band called “Picking Scabs.” He should call it “stealing gum” cuz that’s what he does. He stole MY gum!!!! I want my gum back!!!!!


Anonymous
Hehe…look! It’s Vanilla Ice! He wasn’t a waiter, he was a WAITRESS. Read it better! And he STOLE MY GUM because I had gum and now I don’t so I know he must have stolen it. If I had a ski pole and Vanilla Ice was here, I would hit him with the ski pole. *** VANILLA ICE AND MICHAEL BOLTON ARE THE SAME PERSON ***


Anonymous
No no no, you misunderstood. Vanilla Ice is the real mother of Carlos Leon’s baby, and together they stole Madonna’s gum. When Madonna found out she decided to make herself look like Sheryl Crow. Then Vanilla Ice knitted some little pink socks and I ate them and he cried.


Anonymous
Hmm…Vanilla Ice’s last CD had the word “Blowin’” in the title and the new one has the word “Swallow” in the title. I think he’s trying to tell us something about himself. Maybe he used to be one of Clinton’s interns! He was also a waitress. Oh, and he stole my gum. MY GUM!!! I miss my gum. I used to chew it and stuff. Want to see a picture of my gum? Well, I don’t have one. **VANILLA ICE AND BARNEY THE DINOSAUR ARE THE SAME PERSON!!**


Anonymous
Go Ninja Go Ninja Go. Vanilla Ice wishes he was a ninja, but he’s really just a waitress. He did that song as community service because he got arrested for stealing gum. They didn’t catch him with MY gum, though…so I didn’t get it back. Have you seen my gum? Maybe he will tour Australia…and maybe he’ll bring some pictures of his butt with him and give them away while saying “Yo yo yo, look, it’s my butt.” THE VANILLA ICE STORY, PART TWO: Once upon a time, Vanilla Ice was walking through a field, but it wasn’t a minefield so he didn’t die, and everybody was sad. THE END. **VANILLA ICE AND BARBRA STREISSAND ARE THE SAME PERSON!**


Anonymous
Vanilla Ice – trend whore supreme. “This is the real me.” Yeah, right. The real Vanilla Ice is a yuppie-spawned prep school bastard who STEALS PEOPLE’S GUM!!! **VANILLA ICE AND RU PAUL ARE THE SAME PERSON!!**


Anonymous
It might be my gum…what does it look like? HEY OTHER ANONYMOUS PERSON! What’s this crap about “making your paper” being what it’s all about? If that’s what it’s all about to you, you’re sure as hell not a musician. Incidently, Vanilla’s not the first white rapper…just the first one you’ve heard of. And he sucks. And he’s a waitress. And he stole my gum. ***VANILLA ICE AND MARTHA STEWART ARE THE SAME PERSON!!***


Anonymous
What if you’re not a Vanilla Ice fan? What if you’re just a guy who’s pissed at Vanilla Ice for making lousy music and STEALING MY GUM!?!?!? Can I still join your club? Oh, speaking of gum…my gum didn’t have brown doody pieces in it…so that must not have been mine. Thanks, though. Poison and Cinderella are both better than Vanilla Ice, and they were never waitresses. Beastie Boys were old-school hardcore and switched to rap for some reason I don’t understand. The first white rapper was named “Gunga,” and his rap (imagine some rocks being smacked against each other in the background…) went something like this: “Unga mmg mmg grrrraaaa Oonga Gunga!! Unga Gunga!! Oo oo. ug naaag. Gunga!!” Notice he even mentions his name in there! He likes to talk about himself just like Vanilla! And there’s even some evidence to support the theory that “mmg mmg grrraaaa” means “Go white boy go,” although most researchers believe it translates to “Mammoths suck.” ***VANILLA ICE AND DEBBIE GIBSON ARE THE SAME PERSON!***


Anonymous
PO-EM: Vanilla Ice , Vanilla Ice…He likes poodles, he likes rice…He’s from da streets, hard as they come…that lying preppie STOLE MY GUM! I think Vanilla should write a new autobiography, and this time it shouldn’t be fictional like the last one. It should be called “I Suck. Oh, How I Suck” and he should include a free piece of gum with every book to make up for the gum he stole from me. **VANILLA ICE AND DIONNE WARWICK ARE THE SAME PERSON!!**


Anonymous
He was only on ONE TRACK on the Bloodhound Gang’s last CD, person-man!! A warning to all you waitress-followers that worship Vanilla Ice…you will end up gumless. And gumlessness is incurable unless you get more gum…which costs money, which Vanilla Ice has plenty of, so he doesn’t need yours, so don’t buy his CD. ***VANILLA ICE AND DONKEY KONG ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Anonymous
Oh yeah? Well you wouldn’t think it was funny if it was YOUR GUM he stole!! I felt so violated…I had to chew on aluminum foil until I could afford a new piece of gum. And the aluminum foil got stuck in my teeth and everybody thought I had braces. I’d like to write a letter to Vanilla Ice. It would say “Dear Waitress-boy, You suck and nobody likes you. Give me back my damned gum or I’ll wipe a booger on your cat. Love, Me.” And it would have postage due. But I can’t mail the letter because I can’t lick the stamp cuz my tongue’s all cut up from chewing on aluminum foil. **VANILLA ICE AND THE COP FROM THE VILLAGE PEOPLE ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Anonymous
Silly DJ Zero and Emir! That’s not how you chew gum!! It goes in your MOUTH! (Well, not NOW…since it’s been in your ass…) BTW, what’s a playa hates? Vanilla Ice should host the Price is Right, only it should be called “The Vanilla Ice Sucks Show,” and he should wear his waitress outfit, and instead of playing pricing games, people should just boo Ice and throw dead gerbils at him. Critical Stop – You may be right about Vanilla Ice being Luke Perry, but ***VANILLA ICE AND LIONEL RICHIE ARE THE SAME PERSON!!***


Anonymous
ICEMAM? Oookay… Puff Daddy DOES want to play the scarecrow in “The Wiz.” Vanilla wants to play Glinda the good witch, and he’s been making alterations to his waitress outfit for the part. Vanilla iz kicking azz? Who’s azz could Vanilla pozzibly kick? Gary Coleman could kick Vanilla’z azz. Woody Allan could kick Vanilla’z azz. Hell, the freakin’ Teletubbiez could probably kick Vanilla’z azz. As for me, I don’t give a zhit who kickz Vanilla’z azz…I juzt want my gum back. ***VANILLA ICE AND GILBERT GODFRIED ARE THE ZAME PERZON!!!***


Anonymous
My gum was fat and crunchy once…of course, it wasn’t as crunchy after I chewed on it for a while. It’s probably still fat, wherever it is now. Vanilla’s not ripping Primus off, he was just sending them a message by using part of their song. The message is, of course “Beware, Les Claypool!! I am going to steal your gum!!” Vanilla used to be a roadie for Winger and Cinderella, which is why he can take stuff from them. He used to clean up their vomit and sperm (sometimes they were mixed together.) He was also a waitress. Vanilla Ice’s new album was actually written by Chelsea Clinton and her band of crippled elves. Read your liner notes. ***VANILLA ICE AND VANILLA ICE ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Vanilla Ice is not only Vanilla Ice, but he is also Rob Van Winkle, and sometimes he makes people call him “Kimberly” and spank him with a power rangers action figure. Some day I will bite Vanilla Ice for stealing my gum. Or maybe I will forego biting him and just poop in his dishwasher. “Dishwasher” in Germin is “Spülmaschine.” I have a toothbrush, but Vanilla Ice didn’t steal that. It talks to me. You called me Gum Dude. That’s okay.


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
HI VANILLA ICE!!! I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!! Wait a minute…no I’m not!! I’m the bitter guy who wants his gum back!! THIEF THIEF!! Vanilla Ice is on the top 20 hardcore charts because he’s been kidnapping chart-people’s gum and saying he’ll only give it back if he makes it onto the charts. Don’t fall for it, chart-people…you’ll never get your gum back. Just like I’ve never gotten my gum back. I think he may have used my gum as a catbox freshener. As for Vanilla’s new CD being “good,” it can’t be. But if it’s better than his previous stuff, it’s not because of him. You see, Vanilla Ice is a waitress, and on his butt he has a tattoo of Jessica Tandy’s left breast. The album, as I stated earlier, was written by Chelsea Clinton and her band of crippled elves. How were the elves crippled, you ask? Well, I don’t know, but I suspect they didn’t like it. ***VANILLA ICE AND BEA ARTHUR ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Hi, Vanilla Ice’s brother! Did you take over for Vanilla Ice after he quit his waitressing job? If so, do you happen to know where he put my gum? I want it back. If Vanilla Ice had different flavors he’d have to put out other albums under names like “Chocolate Ice” or “Strawberry Ice” or “Pork Ice” or “Parmesan Cheese Ice” which would be yucky. If you play “To The Extreme” backwards it says “Yo yo yo I’m da gum steala.” If snow had different flavors he could be “Yellow Snow.” Snowette – You’re wrong…Snow sucks lint from Roseanne Barr’s butt. He thinks he’s jamaican but he’s really from Cleveland and he lives under a trampoline and raises hamsters. ***VANILLA ICE AND PARAPPA THE RAPPER ARE THE SAME PERSON***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Yo V.I.P. spells “vip.” Aaron Arthur…heh…you’re like, in da house and in effect and stuff. Hehe. Cool as Ice sucks because Vanilla Ice is in it and he pretends to be cool. The movie used to be called “Please Take My Rectal Temperature” and Vanilla Ice wore his waitress outfit in the original version and played covers of John Denver songs on his accordian and rode across the country in his magic canoe stealing gum from the poor to give the rich something to chew on. I like puppies, I don’t eat cheetos, and I want to blow my nose in Vanilla Ice’s hair. If I made “Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum” bumper stickers, would you buy them? ***VANILLA ICE AND BOBBY BROWN ARE THE SAME PERSON***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
“Dumb” rhymes with “Gum,” which is what Vanilla Ice stole from me. Without gum, all I have to chew on are paper clips, ziploc bags, and condoms. “Gettin’ Jiggy With It” is a stupid stupid stupid thing to say. Why not just say “Masturbate?” ANOTHER VANILLA ICE STORY: One day Vanilla Ice walked by a three-legged dog named Booger. “Hi, Doggy!” said Vanilla Ice. “Hi Vanilla Ice,” said the dog. “Hey!” said Vanilla, “Dogs can’t talk!” “And white boys can’t rap,” the dog answered. They both started crying. The moral of the story: Vanilla Ice has a greasy greasy greasy greasy head and he used to be a waitress. THE END ***VANILLA ICE AND MONICA LEWINSKY ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
THE VANILLA ICE AND SNOW STORY: Vanilla Ice and Snow grew up together in da hood (prep school,) and Vanilla Ice stole Snow’s favorite Cabbage Patch Kid, so Snow turned to evil and Vanilla turned to evil. Soon afterwards, Vanilla Ice became a waitress, and Snow started living under a trampoline and raising hamsters. He taught them to do tricks like puke on each other and have sex with batteries. Then Vanilla Ice stole my gum, and I was sad. Then Vanilla Ice made an album, and everyone was sad. Then Snow made an album, and everybody screamed in agony and the world exploded. THE END. ***VANILLA ICE AND TED KOPPEL ARE THE SAME PERSON***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Punk Ass shirtlifter. Hehehe…I like that. But you should have mentioned that he used to be a waitress and he stole my gum. You’re James T. Smith and that may be okay…but Snow isn’t very good. In fact, he’s downright lousy. Vanilla Ice and Snow both suck, but at least Snow went away. He’s not trying to make another album, is he? I’d hate that. I’d cry and throw pudding at my friends. ***VANILLA ICE AND MRS. BUTTERWORTH ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Hi, Anonymous 208.250.77.127!! Vanilla Ice stole your gum too?!? Wow, we have something in common! My Hanson board posts are usually deleted but the gerbil one’s still there for some reason. I guess Hanson likes gerbils. Probably the same way Richard Gere likes gerbils. Vanilla Ice doesn’t like gerbils…he prefers gum, because gum can’t bite you or pee on your National Geographic magazines. But he didn’t have any gum. So he stole mine. I don’t know if he chewed it, sold it, or used it for intimate cleansing purposes…but I miss it. I wrote a poem about my gum. It’s called “I Miss My Damned Gum And My Butt Itches.” It’s also about the fact that my butt itches. ***VANILLA ICE AND PEE WEE HERMAN ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Vanilla Ice has a new album out and Snow is coming out with a new album. I’m afraid the end must be near. Hide your gum, and don’t buy any hamsters that look like they might have been raised under a trampoline. Vanilla’s from da streets…but he rode down da streets in his daddy’s BMW. He should rap about that. “Yo yo yo, I’m yuppie-spawned scum, I’m in yo face, I’ll steal yo gum.” “To The Extreme” is the best-selling rap album of all time because Empty V told people to buy it and people don’t like questioning the will of the almighty M. Vanilla Ice stole his hair from a giant Ken doll. ***VANILLA ICE AND WILLIAM SHATNER ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
So anyway, the other day I was taking Connie Chung’s rectal temperature when suddenly I realized that there were fish falling from the sky. So I said “Dammit!” And then Connie said “Hey! That’s not a thermometer! That’s a carrot!” And I said “Hey, do I tell YOU how to do YOUR job?” And she apologized and went back to licking my encyclopedias. So anyway, what I’m trying to say is this: Vanilla Ice stole my gum, and I want it back, and he used to be a waitress, and look how greasy his head is! If Snow’s really coming out with a new album, then I shall keep my promise to cry and throw pudding at my friends (see previous post.) I keep my promises…Vanilla Ice doesn’t. He steals gum instead. ***VANILLA ICE AND VANITY SMURF ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!*** I like mustard.


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Hi Melissa!! I see you want me to be your friend. Well, I’m afraid I can’t be your friend. So would you like to be my laundry detergent? Vanilla Ice stole my gum, you know…and he used to be a waitress! ***VANILLA ICE AND THE DRUMMER FROM HANSON ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Wow!! That’s freaky!! If Vanilla Ice joined Milli Vanilli, then one of the members of Milli Vanilli would have a greasy greasy greasy head…guess which one!!! If he joined the Spice girls he could be “Vanilla Spice.” I don’t know if he’d give me my gum back, though…after all, he used to be a waitress. I was listening to Milli Vanilli one day, and then suddenly…wait…no, I’m wrong. I wasn’t listening to Milli Vanilli one day. I don’t listen to Milli Vanilli. I don’t listen to Vanilla Ice either. I listen to the sound that eggs make when you step on them. I have an entire CD of this sound being repeated over and over and over for 68 minutes and 37 seconds!! If you’d like a copy of this CD, then you’d like a copy of this CD. I want to dress Vanilla Ice up like a Raggedy Ann doll, smack him repeatedly with a plastic flamingo, and make him call me admiral ***VANILLA ICE AND GARTH BROOKS ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
My message got cut off by communist mutant Hanson clones. What I said was: I want to dress Vanilla Ice up like a Raggedy Ann doll, smack him repeatedly with a plastic flamingo, and make him call me Admiral. Brandon M and his counterpart, Vanilla-underscore-Ice, forgot to mention one important thing: Vanilla Ice used to be a waitress. It isn’t recommended that you scrue the Spice Girls, Vanilla…they have strange diseases that I can’t pronounce and they’ll make your greasy little weenie shrivel up and fall off. ***VANILLA ICE AND COOKIE MONSTER ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Brandon M. – THanks for having a sense of humor. T’is a funny page, but why don’t ya add a shout-out to me somewhere on there since I came up with a lot of that stuff? After all, it was MY gum that Vanilla Ice stole. Who kicked your beanie baby, Aaron Arthur? You’re a silly silly silly little follower of the greasy greasy greasy-headed one and what you don’t realize is that there’s no way you’re going to come out of this with your gum, you poor lost soul. ***VANILLA ICE AND DJ JAZZY JEFF ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Anonymous – You’re wrong. The new CD isn’t good. It was written by Chelsea Clinton and her band of garden gnomes, and they wrote it while they were constipated. I haven’t heard it yet, but I know Vanilla Ice…I know him well. He’s a gum thief. A GUM THIEF!! And apparently he stole this other guy’s day and time too. I think we should start up a posse and go round up all the gum thieves in the world, put them in a blender, and reduce them all to a thick greasy spray. ***VANILLA ICE AND GARFIELD ARE THE SAME PERSON!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
To Anonymous 169: Thank you ever so much! I haven’t gotten a death threat on here yet, this is my first!! I’m going to mail you a care bear and some dental floss and give you a big wet puppy with a stiffy. Vanilla Ice never had a puppy…but he had a hamster once. He stole it from Snow. It was trained to have sex with batteries. Next thing you know, Vanilla’s batteries were all sticky and his CD player wouldn’t work and he couldn’t listen to his Hanson Christmas Album any more, so he cried greasy greasy greasy tears all over his waitress outfit and took a dump in MC Hammer’s dishwasher. If my name was Rob Van Winkle, I’d change it to “Antonio Bendaras” or “Soup Trot,” not “Vanilla Ice.” ***VANILLA ICE AND MISTER ED ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
You can get a copy of “Mind Blowin’” by playing “To The Extreme” backwards. Hi, Rude One! I sense some anger…was your gum stolen too? If so, I suggest you immediately come over to my place and clean my toilet, cuz its dirty and I don’t want to take care of it myself. You can also do my dishes if you want, but not in the toilet…I don’t care how clean it is. Vanilla Ice reminds me of my Mom cuz my Mom has no musical talent and she’s got a lot of gum. I’m not sure if she stole it or not, though…she may have acquired it from the bottom of school desks or something. I’d like some gum. Vanilla Ice used to be a waitress. I bet he likes bread cuz bread is good. Mmm…bread. ***VANILLA ICE AND DWIGHT YOAKAM ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Oh, Vanilla_Ice! You’re so silly, threatening to pop caps in our asses! Hand over the super soaker, Nilla wafer, you’re not fooling anybody. I heard the new “Ice Ice Baby” thingy on the radio the other day, and it made me laugh so hard I spit store-brand Dr. Pepper all over my steering wheel and now my hands stick to it whenever I try to drive. So the way I see it, Vanilla, you owe me a new steering wheel and some soap to clean the soda off my hands with. C’mon, guys, there’s something very very amusing about the song “Ice Ice Baby” being growled over a Korn-esque background. :) When I see the cover of “To The Extreme” I wonder if his mother used to dress him. I think he shoulda called himself “M.C. Yup-E.” Also, he used to be a waitress, and he stole my gum. ***VANILLA ICE AND JONI MITCHELL ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
I guess you’re right…we should respect Vanilla Ice for selling out and then changing his style when the flavor of the month changes. That’s certainly perfectly respectable…no need to be original or anything. But we shouldn’t respect him for STEALING MY GUM, should we? SHOULD WE?!?!? He owes me my gum and a steering wheel, and he used to be a waitress. And look! He has a greasy greasy greasy head!! I think I may have mentioned these things before. If only you’d all listened, maybe now we’d be safe. But as it is, we’re all in danger of being eaten by robotic field mice. ***VANILLA ICE AND ELMER FUDD ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Yo, V.I.P spells vip! Lice Lice Baby. Lice Lice Baby. Hair looks dumb. So greased that it glistens. Looks like something you’d like to piss in. Insects. Bite so hard they nail’ya. I got more lice than dog genitalia. Will they ever stop, yo, I don’t know. Turn on the lights, and I’ll show…you a scene that head & shoulders can’t fix, now. Making their poop, I think I’m gonna get sick now. Ants! They’re sure to be my doom. Deadlier to me than a cloud shaped like a mushroom. Sickening. The bugs that are crawlin’ through me. Now Roseanne Barr wouldn’t even do me. Hate it, I hate it, I’m dead afraid. Who knows how many eggs they’ve laid? If you’ve got a problem, don’t look at me. I’ve got my own problem, can’t you see all these Lice Lice Baby. Lice Lice Baby.


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
I feel it necessary to mention something at this point…Vanilla Ice stole my gum. This has been true for a while, specifically ever since it actually happened (which it may not have, really. I don’t know. I used to spin around in my chair a lot, which isn’t really too healthy for your brain.) But anyway, I had gum…and then I didn’t. This certainly points to it being stolen by Vanilla Ice, doesn’t it? DOESN’T IT?!?!? I haven’t posted here for a while, but now I have again. This makes me happy. When I’m happy, I try to squirt toothpaste down my wife’s shirt. I can’t help it, I must give in to the minty temptation. (SQUIRT!) VANILLA ICE AND RICKY MARTIN ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Well, I can’t speak for some people, but I come here to complain. Yes, complain. And why? Because of three things. What are those three things? I don’t know. But he definitely stole my gum, and it’s important to keep in mind that before Mr. Van Winkle was the milky white rap superstar you know and love, he was a waitress. I agree with you that he could kick Kid Rock’s ass, because he could distract him with his greasy greasy head and smack him with a flamingo. I don’t know where he’d get the flamingo, though. Kid Rock never stole my gum, but he -DID- build a naked statue out of my mother with mashed potatoes once and put pictures of it on the web, so I’ll probably never forgive him for that. ***VANILLA ICE AND JANET JACKSON ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Vanilla Ice would be hard to swallow cuz he’s big. You’d have to bite off little pieces of him…THOSE would be easy to swallow. Except they would probably taste greasy. Kid Rock doesn’t claim to be hard to swallow, but he thinks he’s the devil, and he isn’t cuz Lawrence Welk is. Korn is a silly band who puts their “R” backwards because they like to hang out at Toys ‘R’ Us and try on barbie clothes. But none of this is important. What -IS- important is that Kid Rock (who, as I mentioned below, once built a naked statue of my mother out of mashed potatoes,) is mentioned far too often here. He isn’t Vanilla Ice, Vanilla Ice is Vanilla Ice and he’s also Rob Van Winkle but that’s okay because John Lennon was the Walrus and the Egg Man. What isn’t okay is that he used to be a waitress, and most importantly, that he stole my gum. I think I’m going to give him a call today and see if he’ll come over and give it back. Hi, Brandon! I remember you. ***VANILLA ICE AND KATHIE LEE GIFFORD ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Wow! Are they really the awesomeist? I bet they’re the neat-oist and the spiffyist and the keenist too! They must be mega-nifty! Thirteen tons of full-on rad! And you even mentioned Limp Bizkit, who think they’re KoRn but they’re really not because although they may have mis-spelled the food-related part of their name, they forgot to put a backwards letter in there. Other than that, they’re pretty much the same. To make Limp Bizkits you have to buy Limp Bizkwick and mix it with some buttermilk. I wish I could meet Vanilla Ice! I’d say “Hi Vanilla Ice!” and then he’d say “Hi Cookie Monster!” and I’d take off my Cookie Monster mask and he’d realize that I wasn’t really Cookie Monster and then I’d demand my gum back and then dress him up like M.C. Hammer and make him say “Prop-a, Prop-a, Prop-a” until he got it right. I don’t know where he keeps my gum…it’s probably in his hair, which is greasy. But as you know, he -DID- steal my gum. Oh, and he used to be a waitress. ***VANILLA ICE AND LEONARD NIMOY ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***


Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum
Okay so one time I was kidnapped by ninjas and they gave me a choice between listening to Marky Mark or having my genitalia slammed in a car door over and over and over and over. And now I can’t have children!!!


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PayPal doesn’t read their e-mail!!

People,

I just proved beyond the shadow of a freakin’ doubt that PayPal (the folks who provide that credit card service thingy that eBay sellers and buyers use all teh damned time) doesn’t ever bother reading their e-mail.

I used to sell a lot of crap on eBay…but lately I’ve become addicted to masturbating with a fistful of Dr. Pepper, so needless to say I’ve been too wrapped up in carbonated orgasmic glee to put anything up for auction. (NOTE: The Dr. Pepper masturbation thingy is made up…the rest of this story is completely true!!) Anyway, I received the following note from PayPal:

–(snip)–
> Dear (My real name),
>
> As a high-volume PayPal member in good standing, you have
> been receiving our Merchant Rate of 2.2% + $0.30 on all
> incoming payments. Members with Merchant Rate pricing are
> asked to keep their payment volume above $1,000 per month.
>
> Our records show that your payment volume has dropped below
> $1,000 for two consecutive months. As a result, you will
> now be charged the Standard Rate of 2.9% + $0.30.
>
> Once you have brought your payment volume back over $1,000
> per month, please re-apply for Merchant Rate pricing from
> the PayPal website.
>
> Some ways to increase your payment volume:
>
> -Get listed in PayPal Shops
> -Place a PayPal Shopping Cart on your website
> -Become PayPal Preferred
>
> For more information, just login to your PayPal account.
>
> Thank you for using PayPal!
>
> Sincerely,
> The PayPal Merchant Account Team

–(snip)–

I was rather taken aback by this. They used to be a FREE service, they went up to a PAY service, and now they’re gonna raise my rate AGAIN? Anyways, I’ve written to them before about various issues and their responses have always seemed kinda out there…like they didn’t even bother reading my mail or something. So to test this theory, I sent them the following letter:

–(snip)–
Dear PayPal,

I had a REALLY good grilled chicken sandwich for lunch the other
day. It was juicy and tastily-marinated, and it was on a fresh-baked
roll, and it came with some seriously fantastic onion rings.

I really enjoyed it.

Thanks,
(My real name)

P.S. “PayPal” backwards is “LapYap.”
–(snip)–

Anyways, a few days later, I got the following response (note that they even included my original e-mail in their response!!!)

–(snip)–
Dear Mr. (My real last name)

Thank you for contacting PayPal.

We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience that may have occurred
with
your account due to the erroneous downgrade to the Standard Rate.

Our intent was to advise you of our payment volume requirements for the
Merchant Rate. Unfortunately, your account was incorrectly downgraded.
Your
account has been adjusted back to the Merchant Rate.

We value your continued business with PayPal and look forward to
servicing
all of your online payments!

If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact us
again.

Sincerely,
Joe
PayPal Merchant Account Department

Original Message Follows:
————————-

Dear PayPal,

I had a REALLY good grilled chicken sandwich for lunch the other
day. It was juicy and tastily-marinated, and it was on a fresh-baked
roll, and it came with some seriously fantastic onion rings.

I really enjoyed it.

Thanks,
(my real name)

P.S. “PayPal” backwards is “LapYap.”
–(snip)–

Now, to be fair, there are VERY FEW times I’ve ever made $1000 in a month doing eBay crap. And the last few months, I haven’t sold shit on eBay because I’ve been busy. So WHY DID THIS WORK?!?!?!

Not sure I have an answer, but I do have a new rule in life: When you get an aggravating form letter from somebody, TELL THEM ABOUT A BITCHIN’ SANDWICH YOU HAD!!!

***VANILLA ICE AND NICOLE KIDMAN ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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Going down a very deep hole with a poodle in my mouth

I’m testing this to make sure I can post here.

Can I?

TESTING!!!
1, 2, 3, BLOODFART!!!
1, 2, 3, BLOODFART!!!

Um…I’m going to say bad words now.

Shitfucktwattwatfuckyfuckybitchdick.

*** VANILLA ICE AND JENNIFER LOPEZ ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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Bleah bleah bleah

BEHOLD THE CHICKEN OF LIFE!!!!!

Ummm…I mean…HI!

Oooooooooooooooooooooooo look at the pretty pretty picture of the jail and the light and the thing!! KrAzY revamped the Asylum page, and it looks fuckin’ SUPER-SPIFFTASTIC, let me say!! KrAzY deserves ALL the fucking asparagus in the WORLD, DAMMIT!!!! ALLLLLLLLLLL ASPARAGUS BE THINE, kRaZy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now let me just go off on a little itsy bitsy teenie tiny poopy woopy little tangent here: I SAW THIS MOVIE AT BLOCKBUSTER CALLED “DA HIP HOP WITCH” AND BOTH VANILLA ICE *AND* EMINEM ARE IN IT!!! That’s right! Mr. “I can’t lower my middle fingers no matter how I try cuz I’m just the coolest shiteating little weenie in the world” is in a MOVIE with the guy who STOLE MY FUCKING GUM!!!!

Oh, you didn’t KNOW Vanilla Ice stole my gum!?!??? IT’S MY NAME FOR A REASON, Y’KNOW!! He STOLE it and he HAS it and I DON’T cuz HE DOES and I want it back so I can do whatever it is that I’m going to do with it cuz I’m not gonna chew it cuz who knows what he’s done with it maybe Vanilla Ice SITS on gum I dunno but I’m not picking little anal Vanilla pubes off of a wad of old sticky stuff just to get pure chewing satisfaction. No, it’s a matter of PRINCIPLE. Oh, and he has a GREASY GREASY GREASY head and he used to be a waitress!

Anyway, here’s a quiz: There are three things: Thing #1, thing #q7, and thing #846. One of these things is my sister, one of these things is a half-eaten poodle sandwich, and the other thing is Vanilla Ice. I will give you CLUES and you must use these clues to figure out which THING is which.

THING #1 sits disregarded on a plate with poodle meat oozing out of it.

THING #q7 is a disgusting disgusting disgusting thing which needs to be put in a very dark hole and drowned in warm Tang.

THING #846 used to be a waitress and once stole my gum.

GIVE UP, YOU QUITTER?!?!?

Okay!! I’ll tell you THE answers!!!

Thing #1 is Vanilla Ice (YES!! POODLE MEAT OOZES OUT OF VANILLA ICE!!!)

Thing #q7 is a Poodle Sandwich (I don’t want one.)

Thing #846 is my sister. (My sister ALSO used to be a waitress, and once stole my gum, but I’m not obsessed with revenge on her, because I got the gum she stole BACK!)

If you guessed Vanilla Ice was #q7 or #846, you get partial credit and a bonus tube, but no toast. Here is a “No Toast For You” haiku to keep you company while you wallow in your toastlessness:

You ain’t got no toast
Not a single fucking slice
Go smell your cat’s butt

I am now prepared to shut up.

***VANILLA ICE AND LEONARD NIMOY ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!!!***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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Skeletons are sexy so I jerk off to X-rays.

Hi, people who post things and read things on the Asylum!!

I just looked through some of the archives…looks like a couple of you said some nice things about me at some point and I never even acknowledged that! What a weenie I must be! Anyway, Choko, Logan, Krazy, and of course Violent J Da Mack…you all rule like cabbage doesn’t!! (Apologies to any supporters of cabbage out there…but you’re SICK. Cabbage SUCKS! Of course, after posting this, I’ll probably find out there’s some rapper out there named “Cabbage” and he’s going to think I’m talking about him and he’s either gonna cry or send some people over to my house to anally violate me with a can of corn, but I’m actually talking about the vegetable. You know the one. It grows in the ground like I wish Chinese food did because I really like Chinese food. Except when it has cabbage in it.)

Anyway, you guys are talking about nudity and graphic violence (BUSH and GORE, get it?? GET IT?!?!?!?!) and I see NO DIFFERENCE between them. I’ll be voting Libertarian again this year and you can’t stop me.

I suppose it will confuse people if I don’t end this message by saying something about the fact that Vanilla Ice has a greasy greasy greasy head.

*** VANILLA ICE AND CAPTAIN KANGAROO ARE THE SAME PERSON!!! ***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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Just another blatant plug! LISTEN TO MY BAND OR I’LL STEAL YOUR CORN!!

Hi, people that read things that are posted here!!!

I’d like to take a short break from Vanilla-bashing (anybody give a crap about my Ice-Attack in the News area? I haven’t gotten any e-mail about that one yet and usually I get quite a bit.) and talk to you about something of great importance to us all (or at least to me:)

WORM QUARTET!

For those of you that haven’t been paying attention (I thwap you all with a salmon, I do!!) Worm Quartet is my band! It’s got one member (me) due to me kicking out the other band members, due in no small degree to the fact that one of them had a hole in their pants through which I could clearly see their balls and yet STILL continued to wear said pants on a regular basis.
Anyway, I’ve got lots of free downloads on The Worm Quartet MP3 Page, and you can buy my 18-song CD for the low low price of $5.99.

By downloading my songs, you are helping me climb the mp3.com comedy charts so that some day…some happy shiny glorious day…I will finally be able to beat Tom Green’s fucking “Bum Bum Song” into the dirt. And by buying my CDs, you are helping me buy food for my cat, so that she will take big smelly poops that make my entire house stink for days.

You can also check out the main WQ page at wormquartet.com if ya wanna. Or don’t.

Thanks for reading my desperate plea for attention…I will now add a few words of whatever to those of you whose thoughts I have recently read on this here page:

Choko – Sorry the guy-thing didn’t work out…if it’s any help, I’ve found the best way to get over an expired relationship is get a bunch of sea monkeys, name them all after your ex, and then pour a bunch of jell-o mix into the aquarium.

Mizz – Hi, Mizz! I don’t know you, but you use the letter z a lot, which I fully support.

Big Tittie Mendi – Do you write scripts for pornos for a living? Dayum!! Could ya maybe write one about Pee Wee Herman and Bea Arthur having a three-way with an anorexic dolphin in the middle of the New York Thruway? (I’m -NOT- making fun of you, I just think that would be funny as all hell!!)

Violent J Da Mack – Where the fuck ARE you? Are there Pop-Tarts there? If so, could you bring me some? I like pop-tarts.

Chaos – Willkommen in die US! Ich entschuldige mich für New Jersey, Jerry Springer und die Backstreet Boys. Ignorieren Sie sie bitte.

KraZy – Never stick your finger in that part of the doggie.

*** VANILLA ICE AND DREW BARRYMORE ARE THE SAME PERSON!!! ***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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The Onion makes fun of ICP…and another plea to listen to my band!!

Um…HI!

There was a really keenoriffic article in The Onion about ICP a while back…it’s fuckin’ hysterical.
Check it out here: www.theonion.com/onion3527/insane_clown_posse.html

And when you’re done with that, why not head on over to www.mp3.com/wormquartet and download some mp3s from my ultra-spiffy little band, Worm Quartet? They’re FREE, dammit, and nobody’s been downloading ‘em lately because people are fickle. So check ‘em out if ya haven’t already…and if ya like ‘em you can buy my self-released CD for a mere $5.99! That’s less than the cost of a $6.00 thing!!! LESS!!! So why aren’t you listening to them RIGHT NOW?!?!??

I suppose you’re waiting for me to rant about how Vanilla Ice stole my gum, right? And how he used to be a waitress, and how he has a greasy greasy head, and how he helped Snow raise hamsters under a broken trampoline and taught them to have sex with batteries? Well, I’m GONNA!!! I’m gonna RIGHT NOW!!!

Vanilla Ice (a.k.a. Rob Van Winkle a.k.a. the guy who inflicted Ice Ice Baby upon an unsuspecting world a.k.a. Ted Koppel, I assume) was born on his birthday at his birthplace at a time of day. From that point on, the world has SUCKED!!! And why has it SUCKED??? BECAUSE NOBODY’S GUM HAS BEEN SAFE EVER SINCE!!! Gum is important to America…Gum keeps Americans’ mouths moving when they have nothing interesting to say. But with the greasy-headed ex-waitress gum thief out there stealing unsuspecting chewers’ prize possessions, NOBODY’S GUM IS SAFE!!!

Some day, it may be you.

You may be walking along, chewing a brand new piece of Wrigleys’ Kitten-flavored gum, when suddenly in the distance you hear a rumbling “Word to yo mutha…word to yo mutha…yo yo yo…word to yo mutha…” getting closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and OHMIGAWD IT’S HIM IT’S VANILLA ICE RUN FLEE HIDE HIDE RUN FLEE SMACK SHOOT STAB RUN FLEE!!!

But it’s too late…your gum is in his greasy greasy hands. He may be chewing it, he may be sticking it to his wall, or he may be using it for intimate cleansing purposes. But one thing’s for sure…he’s in his little lair (which is decorated with posters of Lisa Kudrow with testicles glued to her forehead…I’m certain of this) and he’s looking at a picture of you and he’s saying “Yo yo yo, I stole your gum, beeeotch.”

Don’t let this happen.

*** VANILLA ICE AND ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!! ***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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HAHAHAHAHAA!!! Hey…?

Wait a minute!!

How come *I* can post here? I shouldn’t be able to, should I? I mean, I’m in no way affiliated with this site. I’ve never even visited it, except for all those times that I did! I’m just a plain ordinary guy whose innocence was stolen from him years ago along with his gum by the greasy-greasy-greasy headed white rappin’ plague mortal men have come to know as VANILLA ICE and you KNOW I’m serious cuz I used bold -AND- italics. You wouldn’t see me do that if I were just talking about CROUTONS or STRING.

Now that I’ve visited bible-tales.com, I realize that Mr. Mack (whose real name is, I’m pretty sure, DENISE McPUCKERSLAP,) is going to hell. Eeeeternal motherfucking damnation. Flames and demons and pain and suffereing and Barry Manilow music and giant mutant multi-antlered poodles biting repeatedly at his genitals and the whole works. I’m actually scared that having my name on the same page as that little weenie-in-the-hand pic up there will make me pretty damn damned myself, or at least I would be if I didn’t know that God loves all fat long-haired computer geeks with engineering degrees who write comedy synth-punk songs about kitchen utensils and caffeinated beverages in their spare time. But still, he’s not likely to forget this…he’ll probably make me ride around on a unicycle in heaven.

Anyway, for some reason my songs at The Worm Quartet MP3 page, particularly my geek rock anthem “I Don’t Give A Sh*t About Your Website” have recently been getting TONS of fucking listens. I really don’t know why, but hey! This RULES! I’ve also got a new song up called “Dear God” which you shall listen to immediately. Go visit, dammit, and listen to my stuff! Then buy my CD! Then send me your life savings so I can blow it all on Pez and hookers!

I’m gonna shut up now. Just wanted to ruin Mack’s page. :)

*** VANILLA ICE AND DR. OCTOPUS ARE THE SAME PERSON!!! ***
Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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Thoughtfulness

There’s really two schools of thought when it comes to the question of whether or not to eat a hamburger you just found in the toilet.

On one hand, finding a hamburger in the toilet is not, by any means, a common occurrence. Most of us will go through our entire lives without ever finding a hamburger in the toilet. So when you DO find one, it is a rather special and unique event, and therefore one might argue that you are MEANT to eat the hamburger. Particularly if it is in your own toilet, in your own home, and you live alone, and you didn’t put it there, because this could indicate divine intervention if you are the sort of person who believes that God has nothing better to do than deposit fast food items into your porcelain punchbowl ‘o’ poo. This theory may be considered even more sound if there is, in fact, a booming voice in your bathroom saying “Dig forth, my son! Retrieve this hamburger which I have given unto you, and eat of it, so sayeth the Lord!”

On the other hand, EWWWWW!! I mean, gross! It’s in the TOILET! And even if it weren’t so soaked that the bread is falling apart in to a weird gauzy-looking cloud and the ketchup and meat are combining to form a visual effect that looks more like a miscarriage than a meal, there’s PEE-PEE in there that you forgot to flush earlier, and a tissue you used to clean out the cat’s ear! That’s just SICK! I don’t even want to TALK to you, you disgusting psycho!

Of course, if it’s a TALKING hamburger, that changes everything, and I’m not sure how.

*** VANILLA ICE AND CARROT TOP ARE THE SAME PERSON!!! ***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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My cat’s butt smells funny and tastes worse

Ahhh!! The student has become the teacher! The teacher has become the janitor! The janitor has become that blonde from the back row in 5th period who wears those little plaid skirts that ride up her thighs every time she shifts her position and ohhhhh man what I’d do to her…

Y’know, I was thinking earlier about Triscuit crackers, and it occured to me that they must have been invented at some point by somebody, and that if I cared, I could probably go online and find out who invented ‘em when. But I don’t give the slightest fuck. So please, if you know, don’t tell me because I don’t care.

Recently I’ve come across many Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum references on the web…seriously, do a search on Google or whatever…there’s a surprising number of thingies. Many of the links are dead, but SO WILL YOU BE IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP! One muddavugga actually re-posted like EVERYTHING from my old Vanilla Ice message board posts (as chronicled on the Rydas “Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum” page) in a message on a different Vanilla Ice message board somewhere. Should I be flattered, or should I be attempting to find the wanna-be-me and making them drink their own nads through a straw? I dunno. That’s really not why I’m posting here today.

Wanna know why I’m posting? Do ya? Do ya? I’m posting to do something I haven’t done NEARLY enough lately, and that’s BITCH ABOUT VANILLA ICE!!!

Vanilla Ice, as many of you know, used to be a waitress. But what you probably didn’t know was that he also used to wear a pink tutu, and he had platform shoes and an Ike Turner haircut and he used to walk a little chihuahua around on a leash while saying “A’ight, A’ight, A’ight, A’ight, A’ight” to everything he passed. That was back before he became lame. And then a bit later he was a goldfish vendor, then he was a bag of peanut shells. Or at least…he THOUGHT he was. I’ll talk more about when he was a goldfish vendor sometime, because that really hasn’t been elaborated on (“Yo yo yo, buy a goldfish yo.”)

And hey, one time, Vanilla Ice was twirling around going “Tra la la la la la la la” and then he fell down on his greasy greasy greasy ass and slid down the street! “Yo yo yo, I’m slidin’ down da street,” he said. Then Coolio peed on him, and everyone sang. Then he had an adventure on a magical unicycle which lasted all of 5 seconds before he ran into a wall with a satisfying greasy THWACK.

But later, on a warm dark rainy November afternoon in July, while the sun shone brightening the cold August night, the unthinkable happened. Seriously! Just try to think about what happened. You can’t! You see? UNTHINKABLE!!

But ever since that fateful February morning, I’ve been utterly gumless. GUMLESS!! As in, thoroughly lacking GUM! And who do -YOU- think is responsible hmmmm? Do you think, perhaps, it was Martha Stewart? NO! Martha Stewart may be responsible for the Bee Gees, World War II, and the spread of the common cold, but it was Mr. Van Winkle himself…the sultan of suck, the ceasar of crap, the pharoah of phlegm, the fuhrer of funklessness…VANILLA WORD TO YOUR MOTHER ICE. And I want my gum BACK, because then it would be *HE* who was gumless, and *I* would be GUMFUL again. GUMFUL!! GUMFUL!!!!

Laminate your mom, win a quarter!

*** VANILLA ICE AND WENDELL THE CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH BAKER ARE THE SAME PERSON!!! ***

I deeply love you all with a passion that cannot be expressed in mere words,
Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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The attack, the illusion of security, and ramblings.

I’m really starting to realize I’ve enjoyed the illusion of security in this country as much as the next guy. The realization that I’m just as capable as anyone of assuming I’m in a perfectly safe place, and even of saying “fuck the world as long as I’m safe HERE,” is enough to make me hate myself. I’ve fooled myself into believing I’m above that sort of thing, but the way I feel right now is proving me wrong.

The truth is, this kind of thing has been going on all over the world (although this is certainly the largest terrorist attack I can ever remember hearing of,) and I’d love to pretend that every incident in every country has affected me as much as this. But it hasn’t. It’s at my doorstep now, and that makes all the difference in the world. It shouldn’t, though, should it? We’re all human beings, and I’ve always believed all people are equal.

Go look at the Yahoo News message boards if you want to get sick…there are repeated messages on there suggesting that we go out into the streets, burn down all the Mosques, and shoot all the Arabs we see.

Given the muscle-flexing bully we’ve got running the country, what’s next? We’re going to declare war on somebody. We’ve already decided, without any evidence as far as I can tell, that Osama Bin Laden, our latest Saddam/Darth Vader figure, is resposible for the attack. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. Before we make the mistake Clinton made and just start bombing the fuck out of places we THINK Bin Laden might be, though, shouldn’t we make sure he’s really involved? YES, he’s an asshole, but he may or may not be the one responsible for this. The last major terrorist act in this country wasn’t committed by a dark-skinned Arab named Osama…it was committed by a white-skinned American named Timothy.

I’m rambling now. I know that. This has just really gotten to me. I can’t even get my mind around the devastation and my fears about what’s coming.

For now, I guess all I can do is offer my sincere condolensces to those who have lost friends and family.

I encourage anyone who is able to donate blood or money to the Red Cross. They’re gonna be very busy in the upcoming days. They accept online donations via credit card.

I hope with all my heart that this is the end of the violence.

“An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind” – Gandhi

Tim


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Wow..

This is from CNN:

“Relatives of a passenger on the plane that crashed in rural Pennsylvania said he related during a phone call that men on board voted to try to overpower the three hijackers. Shortly after that call, the plane went down, as it appeared headed for Washington.”

You know what went through my mind when I read this? These guys probably DID overpower the hijackers…and that’s most likely why the plane crashed. So these heroes who had the balls to take on their hijackers probably died thinking they were responsible for the deaths of everyone on board the plane, when in actuality they saved who knows how many lives that would have been lost had the plane reached whatever its final destination was supposed to be.

You’d think more people would have done something similar…their hijackers had KNIVES, not GUNS. But fear can make people do strange things. I’m sure they were promised that they’d be allowed to live if they cooperated, and they certainly didn’t know the plane was going to be used as a MISSILE. It’s easy to say “40 passengers against 4 guys with knives? I would’ve jumped the fuckers.” I like to think *I* would have too…as opposed as I am to violence, I believe in self-defense if it’s necessary. But who knows? It had to have been an absolutely terrifying situation…and it’s hard to say how any of us would have handled it.

You know damned well they won’t be able to do this again, though. The next time terrorists try to hijack a U.S. plane (or fuck, probably ANY plane…this attack has pissed off people worldwide!) the passengers are gonna fight back, because they’ll know now what could happen if they don’t.

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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The best analysis of the situation I’ve read so far

This is a pretty open-minded board, so I figure there must be at least a couple of you guys who are familiar with Noam Chomsky. Here’s an article he wrote recently…It makes some excellent points that a lot of people haven’t considered, and addresses the “why did this happen?” question that many Americans are only asking in a rhetorical sense; as if this whole thing were an act of God.

–(snip)–

A Quick Reaction
By Noam Chomsky
The September 11 attacks were major atrocities. In terms of number of victims they do not reach the level of many others, for example, Clinton’s bombing of the Sudan with no credible pretext, destroying half its pharmaceutical supplies and probably killing tens of thousands of people (no one knows, because the US blocked an inquiry at the UN and no one cares to pursue it). Not to speak of much worse cases, which easily come to mind. But that this was a horrendous crime is not in doubt.

The primary victims, as usual, were working people: janitors, secretaries, firemen, etc. It is likely to prove to be a crushing blow to Palestinians and other poor and oppressed people. It is also likely to lead to harsh security controls, with many possible ramifications for undermining civil liberties and internal freedom.

The events reveal, dramatically, the foolishness of ideas about “missile defense.” As has been obvious all along, and pointed out repeatedly by strategic analysts, if anyone wants to cause immense damage in the US, including weapons of mass destruction, they are highly unlikely to launch a missile attack, thus guaranteeing their immediate destruction. There are innumerable easier ways that are basically unstoppable. But these events will, nonetheless, be used to increase the pressure to develop these systems and put them into place. “Defense” is a thin cover for plans for militarization of space, and with good PR, even the flimsiest arguments will carry some weight among a frightened public.

In short, the crime is a gift to the hard jingoist right, those who hope to use force to control their domains. That is even putting aside the likely US actions, and what they will trigger — possibly more attacks like this one, or worse. The prospects ahead are even more ominous than they appeared to be before the latest atrocities.

As to how to react, we have a choice. We can express justified horror; we can seek to understand what may have led to the crimes, which means making an effort to enter the minds of the likely perpetrators. If we choose the latter course, we can do no better, I think, than to listen to the words of Robert Fisk, whose direct knowledge and insight into affairs of the region is unmatched after many years of distinguished reporting. Describing “The wickedness and awesome cruelty of a crushed and humiliated people,” he writes that “this is not the war of democracy versus terror that the world will be asked to believe in the coming days. It is also about American missiles smashing into Palestinian homes and US helicopters firing missiles into a Lebanese ambulance in 1996 and American shells crashing into a village called Qana and about a Lebanese militia – paid and uniformed by America’s Israeli ally – hacking and raping and murdering their way through refugee camps.” And much more.

Again, we have a choice: we may try to understand, or refuse to do so, contributing to the likelihood that much worse lies ahead.

–(snip)–

A personal comment…we’re now sending warplanes to the Persian Gulf in an obvious attempt to bully Afghanistan. Why? Afghanistan has said that they will turn over bin Laden for trial in an impartial country if we can offer proof that he is involved in this attack. That seems a lot more reasonable to me than “hand him over, dead or alive, proof or no proof, or we’ll bomb you.” To those who asked why I was calling Bush a muscle-flexing bully in my previous posts, THIS IS WHY.

This is NOT a time for war, this is a time for investigation, to find the bastards that did this, and for a serious re-thinking of our self-declared “World Police” status. But being the reactionary country that we are, we’re not going to be happy until we go kill some people.

I’m sure some people are now ready to call me unAmerican. That’s bullshit. I love this country. I just want our leaders to put some thought into this, rather than blasting into a situation that will make the world hate us, and will obviously result in MORE deaths, including the deaths of many Americans. What could be more patriotic than that?

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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In case you need another reason to hate Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell…

The dislike I used to feel toward Jerry Falwell has now mutated into a seething rage. You’re going to think I’m making this up, or that this is a joke. It’s not…you can go to cbn.com and click on “Thursday 700 Club” to view the video of the episode which featured Falwell and Robertson’s comments. (Pat Robertson’s disturbing comments begin just over 28 minutes into the broadcast, and Falwell shows up around the 45-minute mark, so feel free to fast-forward.)

–(snip)–
God Gave U.S. ‘What We Deserve,’ Falwell Says

By John F. Harris
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, September 14, 2001; Page C03

Television evangelists Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, two of the most prominent voices of the religious right, said liberal civil liberties groups, feminists, homosexuals and abortion rights supporters bear partial responsibility for Tuesday’s terrorist attacks because their actions have turned God’s anger against America.

“God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve,” said Falwell, appearing yesterday on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700 Club,” hosted by Robertson.

“Jerry, that’s my feeling,” Robertson responded. “I think we’ve just seen the antechamber to terror. We haven’t even begun to see what they can do to the major population.”

Falwell said the American Civil Liberties Union has “got to take a lot of blame for this,” again winning Robertson’s agreement: “Well, yes.”

Then Falwell broadened his blast to include the federal courts and others who he said were “throwing God out of the public square.” He added: “The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way — all of them who have tried to secularize America — I point the finger in their face and say, ‘You helped this happen.’ “

People for the American Way transcribed the broadcast and denounced the comments as running directly counter to President Bush’s call for national unity. Ralph G. Neas, the liberal group’s president, called the remarks “absolutely inappropriate and irresponsible.”

Robertson and others on the religious right gave critical backing to Bush last year when he was battling for the GOP presidential nomination. A White House official called the remarks “inappropriate” and added, “The president does not share those views.”

Falwell was unrepentant, saying in an interview that he was “making a theological statement, not a legal statement.”

“I put all the blame legally and morally on the actions of the terrorist,” he said. But he said America’s “secular and anti-Christian environment left us open to our Lord’s [decision] not to protect. When a nation deserts God and expels God from the culture . . . the result is not good.”

Robertson was not available for comment, a spokeswoman said. But she released a statement echoing the remarks he made on his show. An ACLU spokeswoman said the group “will not dignify the Falwell-Robertson remarks with a comment.”
–(snip)–

What can I even say?

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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Real motives

This message is a response to Violent J Da Mack’s article below…

Mack, I love ya…but I disagree with a lot of what you’re saying.

It’s important that we understand the true motivations behind the terrorists’ actions. Bin Laden and the various other terrorist groups directly or indirectly associated with him, are *NOT* after us simply because they “hate freedom.” I think we’re all intelligent enough to know that things are never that simple.

There have been SEVERAL interviews with bin Laden over the years, and he’s always made it perfectly clear why he turned against the U.S., namely the establishment of U.S. military bases in Saudi Arabia in 1990. He viewed this as a direct parallel to the Russian occupation of Afghanistan years earlier (which he had fought against WITH OUR SUPPORT,) and took special offense to it because he views Saudi Arabia as a holy place.

It is also clear that he *WANTS* us to retaliate!! Bin Laden and other known terrorists are praying for a U.S. attack on the predominantly Muslim countries which will cause others to flock to his cause. This is pretty easy to see…one need only look at the U.S. population’s reaction to the bombing of the WTC to see how an act of violence can turn a generally peaceful people’s mindset toward vengeance, perpetuating what is, let’s face it, a cycle of violence.

As I’ve said, Americans are justifiably angry. But I encourage you guys to think about what’s going on here and whether vengeance will really solve anything. An evil act has been committed on U.S. soil…but the battle we’re entering is not a simple matter of Good Vs. Evil. Trying to understand your enemies doesn’t mean you’re a traitor.

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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Osama

KrAzY -

Okay, you seem to think, just because I’m looking for a peaceful solution here, that I’m of the opinion that Bin Laden just needs a hug. This is NOT true.

I don’t deny the U.S. has reasons for being in Saudi Arabia, but I don’t agree with what we’re doing there either. Our ongoing war on Iraq has been primarily against the people…our “economic sanctions” have meant that the people can’t get medicine, and they’re dying. Meanwhile, Hussein is thriving. And you’re probably right that the Saudi Arabian government wants us there…the only point I was making was that bin Laden DOESN’T. He’s opposed to the Saudi Arabian government as well. I’m not saying we should do everything he wants us to do, here. I don’t think I have any problem with your comparison of him to Hitler either…he’s a supremacist. I’m just saying we need to understand the true motives behind his actions, and the actions of other terrorist groups, rather than simply accepting that they “hate freedom,” as Bush would have us believe.

I’m also worried there may not BE a peaceful solution here…once you throw God into the mix, anything goes. But diplomacy hasn’t even been TRIED, and I don’t see how the kind of battle Bush is preparing for can result in anything BUT innocent deaths, and you can be damned sure this will be used as justification for further attacks and earning Osama more recruits as more and more people start hating Americans.

You’re one of the many people who’s said we’ve got to be willing to “sacrifice some innocents” for the sake of stopping Bin Laden…I’m curious to see how many people continue to do that when the innocents are on our side. And on our soil.

Incidently, somebody’s claiming that Bush was already planning to attack Afghanistan before the attack even happened…check this out:
BBC News article

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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Penis?

Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax. Earwax.

***VANILLA ICE AND HONG KONG FOOEY ARE THE SAME PERSON!!***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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I got kicked out of my own living room!!

I was asked, with minimal politeness, to leave my own living room the other day during “Charmed.” For those of you not familiar with the premise of this show, it’s basically about three sisters (Shannon Doherty, Alissa Milano, and one whose name I can’t remember who shall forever be known as “the other one”) who are all witches. It’s a hyped-up “Bewitched Meets Buffy” only with more excuses to show the main characters without much clothing and fewer instances of the word “Derwood” than one might expect. Tripe-a-licious. I hate this fucking show.

Anyway, the season premier was on the other night, and my wife was watching it. I was sitting with her, in the interest of spending time with my wife. Apparently Shannon Doherty left the show last season, so they killed her off in the season finale, and the premise of this new episode was introducing their NEW sister, who of course they didn’t know they had, and who, of course, was ALSO a witch.

So anyway, they’re at Shannon Doherty’s funeral, and I start singing “Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead.”

I GOT SENT TO MY ROOM!!

Luckily, I keep the Internet in there.

NOTES TO PEOPLE:
Mack – You didn’t make up that “give bin Laden a sex change” thing, and I just wanted to mention that in case anyone started giving you any undue respect. :)

TwiztidBytch – BalconyDive is neither a balcony, nor a dive. Discuss.

Silent Ninja – Where are you? You’re my HERO! We need your words of wisdom in these perilous times.

KrAzY – I’m pregnant, you bastard.

BalconyDive – TwiztidBytch is neither twiztid, nor a bytch. Discuss.

V.I.S.M.G. – My gawd, how did you ever let yourself get so FAT? What’s WRONG with you, you bastard? And you spend your time posting messages about WB shows on a Juggalo site? Holy fucking shit from hell on a stick with mayonnaise writing poems about suicidal escalators named Phil in strudel-flavored lingerie with pictures of Cookie Monster sewn into it!

*** VANILLA ICE AND CAPTAIN CAVEMAN ARE THE SAME PERSON!!! ***

Hiding barbies in my ass,
Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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New rules for 21st century war – a proposal

Okay.

As we all know, war has RULES. As silly as this seems, it’s actually true, and judging by the attitude we get when other countries don’t follow them, we actually take them seriously.

So, if this is the case, I have figured out the ultimate way to satisfy the world’s need to fight while minimizing bloodshed.

My proposal: Modify the rules of war to state that all tanks, war planes, submarines, etc. must be manufactured by NERF.

There. No blood, no guts, just Just high-speed foam projectiles galore.

Of course, all combatants must understand that once you’re HIT by a foam bullet, cannon, or scud missile, you are OUT of the war, and have to sit on the sidelines until it’s over.

Well?

***VANILLA ICE AND CAPTAIN CRUNCH ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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Hehehehehehehe…Vanilla Ice said stuff


Hitler go boingy boingy boingy boingy boingy…

If you read below, you’ll see Mack’s update when he talks about Vanilla Ice’s new lyrics, “Jabba flabba ding dong Marshall Mathers wannabe-flapper banana-fama-fo-fama flapper rapper hamburgler Marshall Mathers word to your mother jibba jabba flim-flam groin groin groin groin groin groin yo” or something.

Hahahahaha…it’s funny when Vanilla Ice says things, isn’t it? Isn’t it? YOU’RE GOING TO AGREE WITH ME NOW!!! Y’know what isn’t funny, though? Gum theft. Gum theft is one of the leading causes of people getting their gum stolen. Sometimes those people are *ME*, and sometimes the gum-stealing-thief-who-steals-gum is the Blue-Eyed Hammer himself, VANILLA “NEEDS TO BE FUCKED UP THE ASS WITH A CONCRETE DILDO” ICE!!!

For those of you who care, the new Worm Quartet CD, “Stupid Video Game Music,” a joint Rydas Records/Flaming Mayo Records release, has a tentative release date set for November 30th. If you’re in the Syracuse, NY area, I’ve got a show scheduled on that very day, so stop by and watch me rock! More info’s over at wormquartet.com, duhhhhh.

Proof that there is hope for humanity

Have any of you guys ever farted? Isn’t it GREAT???

*** VANILLA ICE AND THE TACO BELL DOG ARE THE SAME PERSON!!! ***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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Teddy bears have picnics…Gummi bears have ORGIES!

There once was a man named V-Ice
Whose hair was infested with lice
So to make them all dead
He put grease on his head
Now his CDs are all bargain price

That didn’t make any sense, and I’d apologize for it if I weren’t so fucking MAD.

You know why I’m mad? Do you? No, you don’t! You don’t know at all. But once I tell you, you will know. Unless you’re not paying attention. So PAY ATTENTION if you want to know why I’m mad, and then you’ll know.

I’m mad cuz I took a look around this morning and realized that my gum is STILL GONE. After all this time, after all my bitching and whining and wheezing and crying and ranting moaning and stomping around going “I WANNIT I WANNIT I WANNIT” for 37 minutes a day, 5 days a week, I still don’t have my motherfucking gum back. And do you know why? Because VANILLA ICE STILL STOLE IT. He stole it along time ago, and as Thomas Edison once said, “When Vanilla Ice steals your gum, it STAYS stolen.” He also said “My butt hurts when I jab this pointy rock into it,” I think. That’s unrelated, but it’s also information, so BLOW ME. Or, better yet, DON’T.

Anyway, I think it’s time to get my gum back. From Vanilla Ice. Cuz he stole it (NOTE: He also has a greasy greasy greasy head, and he used to be a waitress, and he likes to whack off with a catcher’s mitt and pretend he’s fucking Bea Arthur.) Cuz once I have my gum back, I’ll be all like, “YAY! I’ve got my *GUM* back!! I am GUMFUL again! Gumful gumful gumful dammit!! Q-Tips for all!” But I don’t really have enough Q-Tips for EVERYBODY, so a lot of people will be disappointed and will probably hit me over the head repeatedly with things that make pain, at which point I will say “Ouch” and eventually fall down. But hey, maybe when I fall down, I’ll land on a bag of chips. Chips make a cool crunchy noise when you land on them.

I have a few comments about KrAzY’s move:
1. KrAzY will no longer live at his previous address
2. KrAzY will have a new residence at which he will reside
3. KFC’s Triple Crunch Zinger is the best motherfucking chicken sandwich on the face of the planet and I’ll laminate anyone who says different
4. KrAzY’s new residence where he resides will be the new place that he lives.

Picking a random point at which to shut up.

*** VANILLA ICE AND RONALD REAGAN ARE THE SAME PERSON!!! ***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for…(drum roll)…THE NEW MCCARTHYISM! That’s right, communists are now harmless little teddy bears, but the new evil among us is here! Now you can rid yourself of unwanted neighbors and coworkers just like your grandparents did…report them to the government! They’ll be taken away by friendly neighborhood policemen for interrogation, and added to our brand new blacklist regardless of the outcome! That punk kid next door with the green hair and the Dead Kennedys t-shirt that walks across his yard sometimes thus ruining your beautiful scenery? Report him as a terrorist! That co-worker who’s about to get promoted over you? Report him as a terrorist! The guy you just found out your girlfriend is fucking? Report him as a terrorist! And it’s even easier this time around, because you don’t even have to allege that they’re supporting some strange foreign philosophies concocted by people who don’t look like us; who are represented in the movies as sitting in dark rooms making sinister plans with evil Russian accents! No! All you have to allege is that they’re supporting the American ideals outlined in our very own constitution! Cuz the constitution is just oh-so-passe…who has time to worry about civil rights at a time like this? Dammit, we’ve got bombs to make! We’ve got luggage to search! We’ve got mail to check (cuz so far they’ve only attacked us with anthrax via the mail, so it’s safe to assume that’s the only way they’ll EVER do it!) You don’t want civil rights…you want SAFETY! We must protect our middle-class yuppie sitcom families who contribute virtually nothing to society! The business-suit dads, the soccer moms, and especially that most precious commodity…the little drooling bundles of joy who Americans are always willing to give up a right or two to protect from terrorism, sex, video games, rap, and all the other evils of the big bad world (tears welling up…) the children.

So flock joyously to our new definition of the American way! The constitution isn’t the law, WE are the law! The only people who will be affected by our new civil rights restrictions are those who weren’t playing by our rules in the first place! You Khaki-wearing consumer whores have nothing to worry about (for now) and we’ve empowered you with the ability to help us wipe the paranoid government-questioning miscreants off the face of the earth, and beautify your neighborhood in the process! So REPORT YOUR NEIGHBORS!! REPORT YOUR CO-WORKERS!! EARN HUGE CASH PRIZES!! ELIMINATE EVEN THE TOUGHEST STAINS! EMBRACE THE NEW MCCARTHYISM! EMBRACE THE NEW MCCARTHYISM! EMBRACE THE NEW MCCARTHYISM!

Tim


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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAA!!!!

Click here and listen to this immediately. It’s an mp3, and not a very big one. I have no idea who did it, but it’s HYSTERICAL, dammit!!

Any of you who live in the vicinity of Syracuse, NY should come check out Worm Quartet or else!!! I’m playing Friday night (11/30) at the OPL. There’s more info at wormquartet.com. It’s a cheap show, and I’m opening for the Flashing Astonishers, and I’m lactose intolerant, and puppies are soft. I’ll be playing bunches ‘o’ crap from the new album, which STILL DOESN’T EXIST but should within the next week or two!!

It’s perfectly safe to approach me and announce that you’re one of those people what reads bible-tales.com (oo! A link to where you already are!) I promise not to pat you on the head and say “CABBAGE TIME!”

***VANILLA ICE AND RICHARD SIMMONS ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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Go vote for Worm Quartet!!

DUDE!!!

Somehow, *TWO* Worm Quartet songs were nominated for the 2001 Dr. Demento “Demented Music Poll” thingy! Both “Coffee” and “I Bit William Shatner” are up for this thing! So if ya like my crap (or other Demented music) go over to THIS HERE PAGE and vote!! There’s a lot of great stuff there, so go support your favorite weirdos! Voting ends January 7th, so HURRY UP!! AGGGGHH!! RUN!!!!

It’s New Year’s Eve and stuff, so I hope all you people are doing something fun and/or annoying with your hoodlum friends.
Wanna hear a New Year’s Eve story about Vanilla Ice? Okay, here ya go! Once upon a time, it was New Year’s Eve, and Vanilla Ice *SUCKED!* And then he said “Yo yo yo,” and he still sucks to this day. And he used to be a waitress. And he has a greasy greasy greasy head. THE END.

*** VANILLA ICE AND ROGER RABBIT ARE THE SAME PERSON!!! ***

Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum


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  1. By Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum! | The Asylum on September 18, 2010 at 1:22 am

    [...] a Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum page, because he’s that friggin’ awesome! If you want more, go there and revel in the hilarious insanity that is Vanilla Ice Stole My Gum. Rather than reiterate my [...]

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